Living on Love - "The Messenger"
a book by Klaus Joehle
All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2001 by Klaus J. Joehle
ISBN: 1-58348-XXX-X
Dedication
To My Son,
Who stood by me?
I say this:
Anything and Everything
Is possible
With Love.
Children
The problem with our children is
That they have so much to teach us
But so little time to do it in.
My problem is it has taken me 15 years to learn that.
Now I fear that
I've missed most of my education.
What it after many years of studying so called ancient wisdom,
you find yourself stuck? All the information is there but
nothing seems to be working.
Then one day, out of work and out of money, you come up with a
brainstorm.
You take all the information you learned about meditation,
remote viewing, out of body travel, and so on. You decide to
mentally travel into the future to see what the results of
tomorrows sports lottery will be. But just as the money starts
rolling in you run into your future self.
You ignore him!
So another future self comes to see you, to change the past or
maybe to change the future.
What if your future self offered you information about Love that
has been kept secret for centuries? Information that will make
all your dreams come true. Would you let go of the easy money?
As you take this book home, so you will need to choose also.
Klaus J. Joehle
You are about to embark on a journey most of us only dreamed possible
in these tiny moments when we dared to dream the seemingly impossible
hopes.
Over the last 30 years I read all the books, spent countless hours-
meditating, visualizing, learning to travel out of my body but the
whole time I felt like I was missing something. Also after a while
all the books just seemed to be a rehash of the same material.
Nothing new, at least that seemed to be making any real difference.
Some time in November of 1995 after getting laid off work and having
no intention of looking for work, I went to visit a friend of mine
who at the time was working on his sports bets. We were talking about
the bets and how much money he wasn't making, when a thought occurred
to me.
I looked at my friend and suggested that maybe a person could use
their subconscious mind to see into the future and figure out who was
going to win the game. He thought I was nuts and said that there was
no way to predict the future, and he gave me about 20 reasons why it
would not work. It's pretty obvious to me that he is a lot more
thickheaded then I am. But the more I thought about it, the more I
liked the idea. By the time I got home, I had it more or less worked
out in my mind. I figured all I needed to do was to find a state of
mind where the conscious and subconscious come together and worked
together as one rather than being separate. It sounds simple and it
was, even though it did take a while to work out the details and
figure out a plan. I went back to the library and picked up a few
more books. I played around with it for about a week or two, trying
different things out. Anyway I took all the information I could find
and mixed it all up, a little bit from here and a little bit from
there. The conclusion that I came to was that I needed to be in a
very deep meditating state, or a trance-like state of mind and then
travel into the future to see the game results.
It worked and in no time at all I was in the money. I was making
small bets and winning small amounts at a time. As time went by, I
tried to get my friend to do the same thing. Figuring that this way
we could compare answers and do even better, but he was scared and
refused to have anything to do with it. I kept at him, but to no
avail. Even though he was not even the least religious he kept saying
that I might be breaking some cosmic law and may get more then I was
bargaining for. Well as it turned out there is no such law in the
universe, but it appears the Universe or All That There Is had its
own plan. Totally unaware, I was walking right into it.
This is how it started but not how it ended. Even science is
slowly realizing there is an invisible power we call Love. For
centuries the word Love has been used to describe feelings and
emotions but nothing has been said about this incredible power
source that's responsible for sustaining all that is around us.
Just imagine the life you could create if you know how to tap into
this source. Just imagine the difference you could make in this
world. The fact is that this source lies within all of us, we are
born with it. For centuries the information has been passed down,
to only a handful and I really mean only a handful. Trying to win
the lottery has nothing to do with the information you are about
to discover other than that it was the motivation that brought me
to quiet my mind long enough for me to be shown something
incredible that has been hidden right in front of us.
Sometimes I ask myself if the world is ready for this information?
The only answer I get is from the many e-mails I have received and
continue to receive. They are from people that are amazed at how
incredible this information is and how easy and fast it works. I also
worried whether or not it could be used wrongly or in a negative way,
for it seems that some have tried it. Let this be a warning. Love
Energy, for better wording is a conscious energy and is conscious of
what you are trying to do. I speculate that this is why it works so
well.
The story you are about to read is true to the best of my ability to
write it and the information you will discover in this book to the
best of my knowledge has never been written about before. Although
the power of Love is mentioned in many writings nowhere is it
explained how to use this Love energy to create the life and Love you
are looking for.
If you're tired of reading the same rehashed material over and over
and are ready to take the next step then read on. You'll discover a
little known secret about Love that no one ever imagined possible. If
you find yourself reading a lot of books or searching for something
to take you further, then this is the information you have been
searching for. This is what we all have been searching for.
All my Love
Klaus Joehle
This is my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest.
It seems for as long as we have been on this planet we have found a
way to destroy ourselves. We go to war and kill others by the
thousands. We attack those who seem weaker than us and take what they
have. We will, and have killed others for what we want and have even
been killed in the attempt. Half the world seems to be reasonably at
peace while the other half is raging in war. Even when we try to help
those that can not defend themselves against an aggressor we end up
becoming like the aggressor that we are trying to stop. For centuries
we have been taught that we do not have the power to stop an
aggressor other than by fighting and killing. It has become a vicious
circle they're are those who desperately try to live in peace only to
be attacked at sometime for what they have. We walk in fear of what
others might do to us. We lock our doors lock our cars, install
security alarms and all to no avail. There is another way. Here is an
example.
The people that lived in my home before me were broken into and
robbed five times in seven years. Five times their home was
vandalized and their things taken from them. On the other hand I have
lived here in peace and for a long time, even though my neighbor did
not. I have no alarms; my doors and windows are never locked. My
vehicles are not locked and my garage door is always open with all
the tools just sitting there. OK maybe sitting under the rubble. Even
when we go away everything stays unlocked and when we return not even
a blade of grass has been disturbed. I have not even seen the keys
for this house since I moved in. Most would agree that this is being
foolish and just waiting for trouble. Normally I would agree but you
have not seen the information in this book in action, nor what it is
capable of.
At one time I was convinced like many others that God just placed us
here and gave us no power to create heaven on earth. But in time I
realized that it did not make sense. At the same time I did not know
where the power was or how to access it.
To believe that God made us powerless to create heaven on earth and
to believe that we are part of God and left powerless to stop those
who want to destroy everything in their path, that's silly and there
is no truth to it. The truth is we have the power to stop this and it
lies inside of us waiting to be activated. The power that I'm
speaking of is Love and we do not need to hurt those that would hurt
us in order to stop them.
Don't let the word Love, nor the way it has been described fool you,
that is exactly how it has been hidden from us. I am amazed how the
word Love has been worked over to make a mountain look like a pimple.
Most people would agree that Love is one of the most powerful forces
in the universe but that is as far as it goes. We have been taught
and in many ways have taught ourselves that Love is a feeling and an
unattainable force but that is not true. There is much more to Love
and what we can do with it. The best way to hide something is to make
it look like nothing, silly and wishy - washy. The universe and all
that you see is not a closed system nor is it a self-sustaining. It
needs an outside source of energy and that is what we call Love.
Think about it, whatever you believe created all of this also created
us and in doing so also gave us the power to create heaven on earth.
Does that not make sense?
Allot of people are scared of what tomorrow will bring for themselves
and for their children.
I can't blame them but after you read this book you will agree that
the only thing that's really scary is not having this information and
to not be able to give it to our children.
I have learned to meditate and all kinds of wonderful things have
come from our spiritual scientists from the east and Tibet. What
always bothered me was the fact that after 500 years of meditating,
Tibetans had to flee their country and leave their people to be
enslaved, tortured and killed. I'm not trying to put them down I'm
saying that something was missing along the way they and all of us
missed something that could of at least kept us safe. If you can not
keep yourself and your children safe while making the world a better
place to live in, then there is something missing. Something is wrong
with that picture. We are all waiting for God to come and straighten
it all out, the fact is he gave us free will and he gave us the power
to do it ourselves without hurting anyone or causing anyone harm. I
know that saying this is a big statement but the proof is there, from
the countless e-mail I get from people who have witnessed this same
miracle, as I have.
I am not religious other than that I believe in something larger and
more loving than myself.
When I was younger I was sent to Sunday school like most of you but I
felt that there was something not complete. It's like this. When
Jesus said to turn the other cheek something was left out. That
something was send and fill them with Love because that will stop
them in their tracks, and of course the instructions on how to send
Love in a way that is affective. If turning the other cheek works so
well on its own then when they robbed your store or robbed your house
then why not give them more then what they were looking for? If it
works so well why are churches locked? The point of turning the other
cheek was to not hit back but there was a piece of information
missing. How to work with Love and how to activate this incredible
power source to not only protect yourself but to also change the very
person that is threatening you or your life and to live the life you
want without fear.
If you were in a place with no surface water and you had never seen a
drilling rig then even if we all agreed that there is water we would
still die of thirst. For if we do not know what a drilling rig is or
how to use the rig, it would just sit there just like the Love inside
of us. If Love is the most powerful force we know of. And if we can
use it to change our lives, create the things we want, happiness,
safety, Love, joy and so on, It is of no use if we do not know how to
access it or where to get it.
If I was talking of anything other then Love it would scare me but
Love has a consciousness of its own and will not do any harm. As you
read on you will come to discover this for yourself and you will be
amazed beyond words.
The information I write in this book you will not find anywhere else,
but that will change quickly. When I first wrote this book I placed
it onto a web page to see if people were interested and to see if it
was understandable, for some things are hard to express in words. The
response was over whelming. People wrote in saying this is the
missing piece and they were amazed at the results. Thank You for all
your support.
If you consider yourself what some call a light worker, or healer, or
if your are at least trying to be one of these, this is the
information you have been looking for. This is the information that
will take you to your next step.
To the Tibetans I apologize if the example I made offends you but it
is time to know how to release the Love energy this world so
desperately needs.
This is for the two Tibetans who are of the few that know of this
information and have held onto it tight. The time is now, one way or
another it is time for people to know what loving power lies within
them and it is time to release it.
It is time for people to be able to live in peace and without fear
and to be able to create the life they want. It is fine what you have
accomplished, that you have lived for a long time, and that you do
not need to eat or drink water. That you at will can be invisible to
the naked eye. But you have forgotten what it is like for those who
have been convinced that they are powerless and are living under the
fists of others. You may have had your reasons but in my mind and
from what I have seen going on in the world they were not good enough
to keep this to yourselves. That is where we bang heads and will
continue to do so. But then you knew this was coming. I live well I
live safe but it is time for others to be able to do so also.
For those that believe in a God, he gave you the power to create
heaven on earth and if you use it he will come or perhaps in a second
he/she will already be here. Think about this. Do you do everything
for your children or do you give them the skills and abilities to do
it themselves? If you are going to let this information go because
it came from a nobody like myself instead of a high priest well
that's up to you. You have the God given right and abilities to
create the world that God wanted.
Take what you like and leave the rest for someone that will Love it.
As it should be.
For those that have and continue to write me, I apologize that you
will most likely receive only short notes back, because there is too
much and too little time. All the information is here in this book.
How I found the information, how to work with it, what to expect, and
some of my own experiences. That is all I have to give you other than
my Love. Take the information and run with it. In two years you will
look back and be amazed at what you have accomplished. We will all
be. In the next few pages I will try to answer some of the most asked
questions. I hope that this will help?
All my Love to you on your journey!
Klaus J Joehle
Acknowledgements
To my sweetheart and wife
Who helped so much
Roberta Joehle
Lets fall in Love
Every moment, day, night, week, year
All my love
Klaus
Editorial Method
Spelling and Grammar?
Perfect spelling has never fed a hungry child.
Perfect grammar has never mended a broken heart
A finely pressed suit only hides the glow of love that is
missing
A lack of love is the only imperfection I know
So get over it
The need for Perfect spelling and perfect grammar
Is boring, time consuming elusions that hide what is truly
needed.
Thirty to fifty hours more editing would have made this perfect.
But instead it fed some starving children.
So I hope that each word and each sentence of imperfection
Reminds you of what's really important.
I did pay to have this book edited once and upon its return
there were still many errors.
After its return my wife took over and after many long hours of
editing and re-editing
She gave into one healthy fact of life
Nothing is Perfect
Or maybe it is
My wife believes everything is perfect in it's own special way…
For centuries certain information about Love and the amount of
power it gives you has been kept secret and hidden. That's all
about to change. If you want to create the life you have
dreamed about than read on.
In all honesty the last thing I wanted to do was become a
writer, especially writing about Love. If it weren't for the
amount of power and ability that Love gave me to create the life
I wanted… I wouldn't even consider it. Using Love I have found
that I can virtually instantly create everything I want. Using
Love I have gained so much ability and power to create what I
desire, that if it wasn't Love that I was using then it would
almost be scary. My life has turned into a fairy tale and is
beyond anything I have ever hoped possible for myself. I know
that this sounds like a big statement to make. But it's quite
true. Even my sweetheart who was open minded but also skeptical
had little choice but to believe, because the Magic is an every
day thing almost beyond words. The amount of personal power
that Love gives you, not to control others but to create your
life and your experiences is overwhelming. The beautiful thing
about it is that it also seems always to work out the best for
everyone in the end. After all if it wasn't all that great then
it wouldn't have been kept a secret.
Working and creating with Love is very easy, there is a little
knack to it, but extremely easy to learn. The list of what you
can do with Love or perhaps I could say Love energy is endless.
I could give you several hundred examples. You'll find quite a
few examples in this book Living on Love "The Messenger" . My
favorite saying is Take what you like and leave the rest for
someone that might Love it. The choice is yours.
All our Love to you on your journey and choices.
Klaus J. Joehle
Chapter One
It was early winter. Usually at this time of the year it is quite
cold, but this year was warm, almost like summer. It was a very
cloudy day, and it looked like it was going to rain.
I was at home trying to write this book, but I just could not
figure out how to tell this story. I am not a writer and have
never written a thing before. I tried for several hours to write,
and even though I had made some rough outlines and notes of things
that had happened, I still could not get any further than the
first pages. I couldn't find the words to explain what had gone on
two years ago that changed my life forever. Finally I gave up
and decided to drive downtown to run some errands.
I parked my car in a place I knew I could leave it all afternoon
without having to pay for parking or get a ticket, and walked to
the various places I wanted to go. After I had done my running
around, I decided to stop and see a friend of mine named Henry,
and ask if he wanted to go for a drink.
It doesn't take much to twist Henry's arm and we were at the bar
in no time at all. It's a small quiet bar called Hy's. After we
were there for several hours I decided it was time to go home.
When I stepped outside it was pouring rain which is very unusual
for this time of year…not to mention that it very seldom rains
this hard here in Calgary.
I knew I was going to get soaked so I quickly ran from one
sheltered spot to another, not that it helped; it's just one of
those weird things we do even though logically it makes no sense.
It was already dark and with the rain it was hard to see. I was
standing under a small shelter trying to get my bearings. As I
looked around I realized I was standing on a small deck covered
with a roof, almost like a house verandah. A small sign for
Neena's Bar flashed in the window.
I didn't remember ever seeing this place before. The whole place
was maybe only 15 feet wide. It almost looked like it had squeezed
itself right between two giant brick buildings.
I stepped inside. Looking around, I saw that there seemed to be
only two people in the place other than the bartender. To the
right there was a very small bar about ten feet long. A woman with
long curly blond hair was sitting at the bar, talking to the
bartender. To the left one man wearing a hat was sitting at a
table. I walked over to the bar and sat down one stool from the
blond woman.
As I sat down, she turned and said, "Is it still raining outside?"
"Yes, harder then ever," I answered. A shiver went up my spine.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.
"Scotch and rocks."
I looked at my wet pants and thought that I should have stopped
somewhere else. Hot chocolate would have been nice. As I glanced
around I wondered why I had come in here. The place felt eerie.
"Get him the good stuff, Danny." The blond woman interrupted my
thoughts.
"Okay," said the bartender.
With a sheepish grin, I thought, this is going to cost me.
"Don't worry about it, it's on the house," said the blond woman as
if she heard my thoughts.
"Thanks," I said, pleasantly surprised. And briefly glancing at
her, I thought I could count with one hand the amount of times
I've heard that statement.
She was very beautiful, with long curly blond hair that looked
like it was as soft as silk. I shyly glanced away and continued
looking around at the surroundings, thinking this place feels
strange but homey and safe at the same time.
The bartender put the glass of Scotch in front of me with no ice
in it. I was going to say something, but he was still holding onto
the glass.
"We don't have hot chocolate, but I can heat this up for you!" he
said quickly.
"Hot Scotch, never heard of it!" I frowned at him.
"It's quite good, try it," said the blond woman.
"Well, why not?" I was always willing to try something new.
My hair was wet and the water was dripping down my face. I was
just going to ask where the washroom was when the bartender handed
me a towel.
"Thanks."
I wiped my hair and face and as I put down the towel, I noticed
out of the corner of my eye that the blond woman had moved to the
chair next to me. That made me a bit nervous. I didn't look at
her, but watched the bartender heat up my Scotch and waited for
him to bring it back. The bar was ghostly quiet; no music was
playing, no radio, not a sound, which is very unusual. This had
the makings of another weird night. I thought to myself.
The bartender put down my glass of hot scotch in front of me and
stood back waiting. I lifted the glass knowing that there were
four eyes staring at me, and I took a sip.
I turned towards the blond woman. "Boy, it evaporates before it
even hits your stomach! It's quite good, thank you."
We made eye contact about the same time that she smiled, and that
was a mistake. Her eyes were like a calm ocean reflecting the
moon and all the stars. I looked away, embarrassed. Danny was
standing a few feet away washing some glasses. I sat in silence,
staring forward and warming my hands on my glass of hot scotch.
The quiet caused my mind to go back to my book. Maybe I should
take a course, I thought to myself, or better yet, maybe I should
forget the whole thing. That thought gave me a temporary feeling
of relief.
"By the way, my name is Neena." The blond woman smiled.
I almost spilled my scotch. I tend to be a deep thinker and need
to be brought back gently.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Neena held out her hand.
"It's okay, I'm Klaus."
"Nice to meet you, Klaus. This good looking gentleman behind the
bar is Danny."
"So why the big frown?"
"I didn't realize I was frowning"
"Girl friend problems?"
"No," I sipped my warm scotch.
"You might as well tell her, she won't quit until you do." Danny
grinned from behind the bar.
"It's a long story," I said, shaking my head.
Neena leaned forward and gave me one of those 'we've got all
night' looks. I nervously took another big sip of my scotch.
"Bring Klaus another one, Danny," said Neena.
"Actually, I really should go home," I said out loud, while
another part of me said more please! There definitely is a lush
in there somewhere.
Danny paid no attention to what I said and began pouring another
drink.
"Come on, spill your guts, Klaus! Let's have it," Neena demanded,
almost putting her face in mine to get me to make eye contact.
Part of me said, look at her, you big chicken.
"Klaus!" said Neena loudly.
I felt a fist hit my arm, interrupting my inner thoughts.
"What?" I was a little annoyed at being punched by a stranger.
"Come on, out with it!" she commanded.
Looking at her eyes, I wondered how many swords had been drawn to
fight over those eyes. My lips began to move even ahead of my
thoughts. I hate it when that happens.
"I'm trying to write a book about something that happened a while
back, but I have no idea how to write it or even where to begin.
It's way over my head," I said vowing to myself never to look in
those eyes again.
"What's it about?" she asked, as Danny put my drink in front of
me.
"It's about angels, sort of more about Love, I guess; about life,
the reason for living, mostly about Love, I think..." I wished I
had stopped somewhere else.
"Now that's interesting. So what happened?" Neena was definitely
very persistent.
I shook my head. "It's a long story, and it's really bizarre."
Danny laughed. "If you make it out of here without telling her
this story, that will be bizarre."
I shook my head again. "I wouldn't even know where to start."
I thought about it for a minute because in some way, I was itching
to tell somebody. Considering that I would probably never see
these people again, this was probably the perfect opportunity, but
where would I start?
"Start at the very beginning," Neena brought me back from my
thoughts.
Danny was leaning forward and ready to listen. He was obviously
enjoying this.
"I have to tell you, it's a very strange story," I said.
"We're all ears." Neena was gleaming from her victory.
I can see that, I thought to myself.
"Give me a moment to collect my thoughts," I said.
Truth
What is imagination?
What is reality?
What is truth?
Is reality what we imagine?
Or is that
Which we imagine
Reality?
Then what is truth?
Chapter Two
"Does a story really have a beginning or even have an end? Where
does it begin and where does it end? Does it begin at the start
of a trip, the end of a trip..."
I stopped for a second to see if they were still with me.
"Or does it start when we made certain decisions which lead us to
the path that led to the start of the story? Or does a story
start when we leave for the journey, or when we start packing, or
when we make the plans? And when does it end? If a story has
changed us, does it end when we stop talking about it? And what is
the important part? All the decisions that were made or the paths
that were followed, a story is like the point where four roads
meet? Let's face it … there is no beginning and no end."
If you ever want to get rid of someone, just give them a line like
that...it will blow them away like dry leaves in the summer wind.
I was looking at both of them, trying to hold back the smile that
was building in me from the anticipation of watching them blow in
the wind.
"I agree totally," said Danny. Neena nodded her head in agreement.
"It's sort of like truth. What is truth? Sometimes truth can be
really puzzling," answered Neena. Obviously she was not blowing
in the wind.
"What do you mean?" I asked, quite surprised that this might turn
into a conversation.
"For instance, "she said, "ten people watch an accident happen.
There are ten versions of what had happened and the only thing we
know for sure is that there are several cars smashed. And then
there is the question when did it really happen? Did it start when
one car went out of control or did it start when the drivers got
into their cars? They say our thoughts create our reality, and if
that's so, then when did this accident really start?"
Danny and I both nodded our heads in agreement.
"Take that wallpaper over there," Danny noted. "We all see it, but
is it the truth? What we see are colors and stripes; what we don't
see are the people that work at the factories, making this paper,
their fears, and their dreams. Nor do we see the trees that the
paper came from and the people that built the wall, hoping to be
able to feed their families, nor the owner hoping to make enough
money to pay for all of this. All we see is colors and stripes.
But that's not really the truth."
During the silence that followed, I took another sip of my scotch.
I don't know why, but a dream I've had since I was a small child
came to my mind. I was thinking about it when Neena interrupted my
thoughts.
"There's that frown again." Neena nudged me with her elbow. I
must have been feeling safe because my lips started to speak again
without my total consent.
"I was just thinking of a dream I had when I was a kid. I believed
that the world could be one big garden. You know what I mean,
cities built in and around gardens, where everybody is happy,
playing, planting fruit trees, flowers, berry bushes, and picking
fruit. Playing with the wild life, animals like deer and rabbits
and foxes running around not afraid of humans but drawn to them.
People not afraid of people. Everyone caring for each other
instead of beating each other down." I gestured with my hands.
"Just a stupid dream, like anybody will ever see that happen,
we're too busy blowing everything up and trying to make more money
than our neighbors..."
"You never know!" Danny reached under the bar and brought out a
strange green bottle. I saw it had a cork in it but no label.
"I've been saving this for a special occasion," Danny said with a
strange gleam in his eye.
I looked at the bottle. "Where did you get that from, a pirate
ship?"
Danny set down three glasses in a row and smiled. "No, not quite."
"It looks old," I said, as Danny tried to pull the cork.
"It is." Neena answered. "Very old!"
"What is it?"
They looked at each other for a moment, and Danny started to pour.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay then, what's the special occasion?"
I don't know if it was the scotch or the company, but I felt at
ease and safe, even though they didn't answer my question. There
was only enough in the bottle to fill three glasses half full.
Danny put the empty bottle back under the bar and handed each of
us a glass. It was thick and a dark blood-red color. I held it to
my nose. It smelled sweet but had no scent of alcohol.
"It doesn't have any alcohol," Neena said.
I smiled. "What will we drink to?"
"To dreams. May they be beautiful and come true." Neena raised her
glass.
"Here, here!" Danny sounded like a pirate.
It was incredible. It tasted like berries, sweet and thick, but I
could not tell what kind of berry it was made of. My taste buds
just came alive. I took another sip and another, and slipped into
a world of my own. It felt like every cell in my body had sprung
to life. The lush in me took over and by the time Neena said "you
might want to take it slow!" it was too late. I was already
sucking up the last drop and looking for more.
By the time I put down my glass both of them were laughing very
hard. Looking at the other glasses I realized that they had only
sipped theirs. It must have been the way I looked at Neena's glass
that made her move it further away from my reach. I had no choice
but to laugh with them. My mind was as clear as a bell. I also
felt very energized.
"Wow! That's good stuff! I'll take a case..."
They were still laughing.
"Man, I feel like I could hog tie a dinosaur."
I'm pretty sure I had a grin on my face that would have been the
envy of any clown.
Neena put her hand on mine. "So now that you know we're not going
to ridicule you, maybe you would like to tell us this story about
angels and Love."
"All right," I said, "fair's fair."
"Start from the beginning and don't leave anything out." she said.
"Just let me get my bearings," I slid my empty Scotch glass
towards Danny so he could refresh it.
Just the way it is
The world is one big bowl of soup
Spinning around
And if peas and carrots
don't like each other
That's too bad.
Because they're sure going
to see a lot of each other
And nobody is leaving until
We are all nice and tender
That's just the way it is
As Danny finished pouring my drink, I collected my thoughts. I
reached in my coat pocket for my cigarettes. I glanced around to
see if the gentleman was still sitting at his table. It looked
like he had not moved an inch, rather odd especially since he
hadn't been served the whole time I was there, and that had been
almost an hour.
Danny put my drink in front of me while I took a drag of my
cigarette.
"So, Klaus," Danny had a smirk on his face. "Am I pronouncing your
name right?"
"Close enough." I stirred the ice in my glass.
"I figured you might want a cold one this time." Danny was still
grinning.
"Your instincts were right. Thank you!" I grinned back.
"So how about that story?"
"I spent most of my life, except for the last couple of years,
very unhappily. It's hard to explain but there has been a deep
inner sadness. Actually a better way to explain it is that there
seemed to be no happiness in me. Perhaps I should say happiness
was just missing and no matter what happened, good or bad, it just
was not there, and I could not do anything about it."
"You see, this is the problem… to really understand what I mean
you need to know the rest of the story but at the same time I
can't really tell you the story without telling you this part." I
shook my head.
Danny came around the bar to grab a barstool, carried it to where
he had been standing, and sat down.
"I can see the feelings, Klaus, but I can't hear them," Neena
said.
"Just thinking about those days makes me feel a little sad," I
said, in a low voice.
"Didn't people notice you were sad?" Neena's sympathetic voice was
trying to help me along.
"That part really doesn't matter," I said. "But as far as the
unhappiness goes, I tried all sorts of things over the years. I
even watched other people to see what brought them happiness and
then tried the same things. For instance, I noticed that when
people purchased a new car they would be really happy…at least for
a while. Or they'd act happy if they were getting into a
relationship. There's an endless amount of things people do to be
happy, and I basically tried them all. It may sound strange but
none of these things did anything for me. As a matter of fact, a
lot of the time it made me more miserable than I was before,
simply because I was waiting for something to happen and nothing
did. One crazy example comes to mind. I remember buying a new car,
thinking that this would bring me happiness, but after I bought
the car, I ended up sitting in it for two or three hours waiting
for happiness or joy to flow over me like it seems to do for other
people. But nothing happened. I was not any happier than before I
bought the car. Yet it appears that this is not the case with
other people. But I did not stop trying. I tried many other
things over the years. I've read hundreds of books of all kinds
from meditation to mind power, mind control, thinking positive,
books on Love, books on life, all kinds of self-help books, but
nothing helped. It was like there was something missing in me. But
I also noticed that I was not the only one, there were lots of
other people in much the same situation. Knowing that I was not
the only one really didn't help much. In one way I was determined
to solve this problem yet in another way I felt hopeless and many
times gave up. I also took courses, and joined some self help
groups. The most interesting of all was when I decided to go for
therapy. It was a sad time for me, and I was convinced that there
was something wrong with me. But after three weeks of spilling my
guts, I was told that I was fine and most definitely still sane,
which was good to hear, and I was also told that there was no
reason to continue with the sessions. All I needed to do was find
something that I really enjoyed doing, and go for it. It's too bad
that it was not quite that easy."
I stopped for a moment to light another cigarette when I noticed
Danny was chuckling to himself.
"So what's so amusing to you about all of this?"
"I have never actually met someone before who would sit in a car
for two or three hours waiting for happiness to spring up. But I
salute your determination." Danny gave me a salute and a big grin.
"Then this unhappiness was your driving force?" Neena asked.
"Exactly. Instead of searching for money, fame, Love, career, or
any of the normal things that people spend their lives trying to
achieve, all I wanted was to be happy. Another way of saying it
would be that I wanted to be free of the pain and the grief it was
causing me."
I fell into deep thought as I watched the smoke curl upwards from
my cigarette. I thought about some of the things that a lack of
happiness makes you do and some of the paths that it leads you
down. There was also something else on my mind and I was trying to
decide whether or not I should say anything about it, when Neena
interrupted my thoughts.
"It would be surprising if you had never thought of ending it all,
or perhaps making an attempt!" she said.
I looked at Neena. Seeing the sparkles in her eyes, I thought
obviously the universe has brought some of its best players into
this game and is leaving nothing to chance. It appears that the
universe knows me better than I was aware of.
I stood up and asked where the washroom was. I wanted a moment to
collect my thoughts. Danny pointed to a small wooden plank door at
the end of the bar.
The washroom was not very big, not much bigger than an outhouse
with no windows and definitely no way to escape, if a person was
so inclined. I thought about everything that I had said so far
and decided to continue. After all, I had nothing to lose.
Life
Sometimes life is like
A giant poker game
That just goes on and on
And when we get really good at it
Then the universe might throw us a curve
Just to make us think
Maybe it can get even better
And so,
The game goes on.
When I came out of the washroom I saw that the man at the table
was still there. As I walked back to the bar, I kept my distance
from him. One very important rule to remember when playing with
the universe is that you need to play with respect, and preferably
show respect; it's not that the universe will get upset at you,
just that it might deal you a new card, because the universe also
likes to teach. One of the things you do not want the universe to
teach you is how to respect the game, believe me; I've been there
and done that.
I sat on my barstool and drank the last of my scotch in one
swallow. As I lit another cigarette I checked to make sure I had
enough cigarettes to last, because it was going to be a long
night.
Danny was pouring some orange juice in two glasses and asked if I
would like the same. I hadn't noticed it before but apparently
Neena and Danny had finished drinking whatever it was that had
come out of that little green bottle.
"Yes, please! That's a really good idea." I said.
Danny put one glass of orange juice in front of me and one in
front of Neena and sat down on his stool. There was a moment of
silence.
"I guess I might as well tell you everything," I said with a
slight hesitation. "In all, there were three times that I had
decided to end it. They weren't really physical attempts, but
nevertheless it was enough to cause quite the commotion."
"Are you sure you want to me to tell you this part or do you want
me to skip over it?"
"Did anything interesting happen during those times?" asked Danny.
"Oh, most definitely!" I said, sarcastically. "My life has been
one big song and dance."
"This should be interesting!" Neena looked at Danny as they both
chuckled. I ignored them.
"Well, the first time was quite a few years ago. Things were
actually not that bad except that I was unhappy. I had everything
that should make a person happy, but that was not the case. The
problem that got me so depressed at that time was that I had spent
several months reading a few books and trying to make a very
serious attempt at being happy. I had put a lot of effort in it,
but had zero results. I felt like it was getting worse rather
than better, and the straw that finally broke the camel's back
came one night when I was reading a new book I had just picked up
earlier that day. In this book, the person who wrote it described
meeting some great teacher who taught him various fascinating
things. What really upset me was that this person had some magical
teacher come to him out of the blue and teach him all he wanted to
know, while I have to struggle with my problems on my own. The
other part that upset me was that he told about certain
interesting things that he learned but did not give the
instructions on how to do it. What's the point of telling me these
things without giving me instructions? A waste of paper and a
waste of my time." I leaned over towards Neena, and whispered, "My
attitude at that time had bottomed out a bit."
I shook my head. "I remember it all, really clearly. I felt that
the universe had forgotten about me. I was so frustrated and mad
that I threw the book against the wall, and in my mind I screamed
that if I didn't get some help right away, tomorrow morning I was
going to take my car to the mountains and drive it over the cliff.
I could feel the anger flowing through my veins. In the long run,
I probably would not have done it but at that moment in my mind
the decision was made. I figured that as long as I was here the
universe could ignore me, but when I'm no longer here and standing
in front of it, it's going to be a lot more difficult to ignore me
then!"
"I don't know how long it was exactly, but I would say that no
more than five minutes after I had screamed those words in my
mind, it started. My inner senses just seemed to spring to life
and I could feel something very big. It was huge and it seemed to
be trying to squeeze itself into my apartment but it was just too
big, and ended up taking up space in the entire apartment block,
and even that was not enough. I really couldn't see anything, nor
hear anything, but I could feel it with my whole being, that's the
only way that I can describe it. I can't tell you how scared I
was. I don't think I've ever been that scared. I almost peed my
bed."
"I had a small but open apartment, and from my bed I could see the
hallway, part of the kitchen, and a large part of my living room,
All the lights were on because I don't like the dark. As soon as
it gets dark, I've always felt like there is something big
standing behind me, watching me. The dark has scared me for as
long as I can remember. So I always keep the lights on, I don't
even like dark corners, who knows what might be lurking in there?
Within a few seconds, the lights started to flash on and off. It
was almost musical. I was literally shaking with fear. I could
feel and sense this presence forming and all of a sudden, I heard
a voice in my head. It said, loudly and firmly, "You should know
better...!"
"And that was it. The lights stopped blinking and whatever it was
left. I was so scared that even though I needed to go to the
washroom really badly, I did not leave my bed until the next
morning. Nor did I sleep in my apartment the next night. The
weird part was that there was a strange hush that came over the
entire apartment building and stayed for several weeks. I heard
two other people talking in the laundry room several days later,
and apparently other people in the apartment building had also
sensed something, but could not explain what it was."
"This whole incident was enough to keep me from whining about my
circumstances for almost two years. But then it started to wear
off."
I stopped to take another drink of my orange juice.
"What did you think it was that came to visit you?" Neena asked.
I shook my head. "I don't know, and I really don't want to know!
Obviously I pissed somebody off, and frankly I just want to leave
it at that because whoever came to visit was not in a good mood."
"Time passed and things did not improve. Actually, things began to
deteriorate even more and it was becoming more and more difficult
for me to fake it. Putting a smile on your face and pretending to
be happy when you're not uses up an enormous amount of energy.
Besides, it really scared the heck out of me, but in a strange
way, I was prepared for the second time, and I was not going to
just lay there shivering with fear. I planned on putting up a
fight. After all, I have a right to be happy. When you're really
depressed and down you usually don't think straight. And the
bottom line is, I asked for help and didn't receive any."
I thought about what I had said for a minute. "Actually, that's
not totally true," I said with a smirk.
"Oh, so you did get some help, then?" Neena asked.
"Yes. I won a trip to Mexico and while I was there, I met someone
who could probably have helped me, but there were some strings
attached and I just was not ready for it. But on the other hand,
my path in life would have changed and perhaps I would never have
had the opportunity to figure out how to win the lottery. And in
some way that alone was almost worth it. Also, it might have
meant that the story that I'm going to tell you would probably not
have happened and that would be a big loss."
"Wait a minute! Are you trying to tell me that you figured out how
to win the lottery?" Danny crossed his arms over his chest as if
trying to tell me that such a thing was impossible.
"Yes, but we'll get to that later."
"Did you win more than once?" His eyes were as big as watermelons.
"Oh yeah." I pushed my chair away from the bar and stood up. I
needed to stretch a bit.
"So did you get your butt kicked the second time around?" Neena
smirked.
"No, not really. Quite the opposite, Don't you have any music?" I
said, trying to change the subject. "It's too quiet in here!"
Danny stood up and walked over to a small tape player that was
sitting on one of the shelves. He inserted a tape and adjusted the
volume. I don't know what it was but it sounded like some kind of
new age music that covered the silence nicely.
Home
Home, the next place I rest my soul
The crossroads of life
Where to plant some seeds of faith
Grow some crops of Love
And ponder which path to take next
Before heading Home
To the next crossroads of life
Where to plant some...
Chapter Five
I stretched a bit and sat down on my stool, planning on taking a
break and listening to some music for a bit, but Danny gave me a
look of impatience and tapped his fingers on the bar. I took the
hint.
"It was roughly about two years later. Emotionally I was in the
same place as before, only this time I had lost my job and was
heading for my first bankruptcy. Losing my job or going into
bankruptcy wasn't the worst of it. I had been working very hard
for about one year in a support group and the only results that
came from all the work was that I made some friends and got to
whine a bit. Actually I got a few things off my chest but I still
was not happy."
"So did you try anything else over those two years, other than the
support group?" Neena asked.
"I tried lots of different things, but in one way or another it
almost felt like something was stopping me from finding happiness.
At that time nothing really made sense. I understand it now but
back then, it was driving me nuts."
Everyone fell into silence. My mind was caught up in the past.
"I remember now. I was really upset. I was getting mad, you know?
I was mad at the universe. In a lot of ways I was upset at
whatever had come and visited me. What right did this thing have
to scare me half to death but at the same time not really helping,
just telling me I should know better? How am I supposed know
better? I was ready for a fight! I was also very tired of life.
Nothing seemed to work for me and everything I touched seemed to
turn to dust. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say
that without happiness life just becomes an endless night. There
was also an enormous deep inner pain that I just couldn't get rid
of. It's nearly impossible for me to verbally express all the
feelings and emotions that had at that time. I just couldn't
understand why something like inner happiness, something that is
supposed to be very natural would be so difficult for me to get,
and it was driving me up the wall. I can get very cranky when I
don't get what I want, especially if I work really hard for it. I
should mention that I wasn't always totally unhappy. I had happy
moments but I wasn't satisfied with the amount of happiness I had
and I wanted more. Do you understand what I mean? "
Neena looked at me. "Yes, I think I understand."
"Did you really think that you could win with something that's
perhaps a hundred times your size?" Danny asked.
I shook my head. "Winning is not always important. What is
important is making the stand. Obviously the stand I was making
wasn't exactly the right one. I just thought that life had nothing
to offer me and I wanted to go somewhere else. What has always
amazed me is that people will fight for rocks, dirt, and
everything else except for Love and joy. Those are really the
things that are worth fighting for. Everything else is nothing
more than temporary."
Danny nodded in agreement.
"It was about one o'clock in the morning. I had made my decision
that in the morning, I would simply drive to the mountains and
make it look like an accident. But shortly after I made up my
mind, I started to feel really peaceful. It was something I had
never felt before. I was just lying there peacefully on my bed. I
guess during that time I must have dozed off into a half-sleep and
half-awake kind of state, and in that trance-like state I had a
vision. It was as real as anything was, just like I was there
physically. I was standing in the middle of an art gallery. I was
looking around when I noticed that a lot of the pictures that were
hanging on the walls were actually mine. That's when the fun
began. I heard a door open and a woman walked in. She was tall and
slim, with straight blond hair almost down to her shoulders, milky
white skin, and large eyes. Before I knew it, she was standing
directly in front of me. She was incredibly beautiful. The only
way I can say it is to say she was more beautiful than her
features. You could see the beauty even though it went beyond
appearance. We were standing face to face no more than one foot
apart."
She asked, "Are you Klaus?"
"The second she said that, it felt like every cell in my body had
come to life and was paying attention. It was like I was made up
of billions and billions of cells and each one had their own
consciousness and at that very moment each one was paying
attention. It was the weirdest feeling but at the same time one
the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. It was like
every cell in my body was an individual that had a stake in my
life. They were almost like little beings, all working together
to create my physical body so that I can live and experience
physical life. I got the impression that everything I do affects
them and matters to them. I tried to answer her question but I
couldn't. There was too much going on in my body, so I just
nodded my head. She put out her hand and as we shook hands, she
said, "I would like you to stick around for awhile. It will all
made sense later."
"Her voice was like listening to a thousand angels. Every cell in
my body was still paying attention. It was overwhelming.
Unfortunately, the second she stopped talking it was over, and I
was back in my bed, wide-awake. Over the next few months I became
obsessed with this vision and tried to go there many times, but
with no success. Not even close."
"What was it that obsessed you so much about this vision?" Neena
asked.
"I thought that maybe I would meet this person in real life. It
was a silly idea, but a flicker of hope nevertheless. The hope
alone kept me going for almost three years, a long three years I
might add. But I think that was the plan. The universe probably
figured that if it couldn't scare me into sticking around then
seducing me might work better. Obviously it worked at least for a
while."
"Maybe it was a chemical imbalance in your body. Did you ever
think of that?" Danny asked.
"Oh, yeah. I thought about that, and even saw several doctors, but
the bottom line is that I would rather suffer than be on some kind
of drugs for the rest of my life. Most of them have serious side
effects, and I was also afraid that some of the drugs might cause
me in some way never to be happy without them. I also had some
hope that someday I would find the answer. Drugs are only a
temporary solution; they do not solve the problem or the issue
that is really causing the problem in the first place. As far as I
am concerned happiness and Love should not have anything to do
with circumstances or experiences or my physical body."
The Last Stand
"Oh, my, aren't we the stubborn one?
Oh yes we are.
The universe you would stand against,
A thousand warriors, swords of steel drawn,
Five hundred heavy horses,
Against them you would stand with your dagger of straw
I have been a warrior forever and a day
And I do not know everything,
But this I know:
The blood will run this day
It will be yours my friend
And also mine.
For with honor I must stay.
So I ask you
Think
Is this a good day to die?
Chapter Six
"I'm pretty sure that it was close to three years later. It was
early in the evening. I had gone out for dinner but couldn't eat.
I was totally down and depressed, basically in tears. I got into
my car and started driving. I was so numb and exhausted that I
just headed down the highway towards the mountains. For some
reason the feeling or knowing that within one or two hours it
would all be over gave me a sense of relief."
"That's the problem with suicide: people think it's a way out, but
actually it just starts the whole process again," Neena observed.
"I agree. But when you're down far enough, nothing matters
anymore, other than to be free of that darkness even for a short
while. I would have given anything just to be happy for a week.
That's just the way it was."
Neena nodded her head sympathetically.
"Somewhere along the way you must have changed your mind,
otherwise you wouldn't be here today," said Danny.
I don't know why, but for some reason Danny's upper lip was
quivering. I thought that was rather amusing.
"Actually, I didn't change my mind. It's like this. About 30
minutes out of Calgary there used to be a gas station. I had
plenty of gas in my car, but for some strange reason, as soon as I
passed that gas station my engine sputtered and jerked. It would
barely drive five miles an hour. It was like someone was turning
the motor on and off really fast. I looked at my gas gauge and
there was plenty of gas. Also it was a new car. I decided to
cross the highway and head back to the gas station, figuring that
maybe there was something wrong with the electronic ignition. But
as soon as I got near the gas station, the car started to run
perfectly. There was no point in trying to repair it, I thought,
as long it would make the trip. After that, it really doesn't
matter anymore. So I decided to cross the highway again in order
to head back to the mountains."
"I had to drive about a mile down the highway before I found a
place to cross over. I was in such a bad mood that I didn't even
care if I had to push the car there. I crossed the highway and
headed back towards the mountains. But as soon as I reached the
gas station again the car began to sputter and jerk! I tried
shifting the gears, turning the lights and the ignition on and
off, but nothing seemed to help. The car sputtered along until I
came to another highway crossing. The way the car was running I
barely made it across. It took about 10 to 15 minutes to get back
to the gas station because the car was running so poorly. The
motor stalled a couple of times, but I got it started again. As
soon as I got near the gas station, the motor came back to life
and was running perfectly. So I passed the gas station and drove
to the highway crossing, about a mile down. The car was still
running fine. I crossed the highway and started heading back
towards the mountains again. The stupid car ran fine until I was
close to the gas station, then the same thing happened. The motor
started to sputter and turn on and off. I was really getting very
frustrated and decided to just keep driving the way it was, but
the further away from the gas station I got, the worse the car was
running. Finally, I had no choice but to cross the highway again,
and sure enough as soon as I reached the gas station the car ran
fine. It just sprang to life and purred like a kitten."
"Why didn't you stop at the gas station and have someone check it
out?" Danny asked.
"It was about nine or ten at night, and I didn't think that there
would be a mechanic there at that time. Besides it was running
fine on the other side of the highway and in some way I knew that
there was nothing wrong with the car. I wasn't going to let the
universe stop me that easily, not this time."
"Talk about stubborn." Neena shook her head.
"Maybe, but I was mad, and I was going to show the universe that
I've had enough."
"Let me guess. You kept this up until your car fell apart." Danny
grinned as if he knew better.
"Something like that, but not quite." I said, "But I did keep
going around in circles until about 9 or 10 the next morning."
They broke out in laughter. I had no choice but to join them.
Looking back at this now, it seemed insane. And it probably was.
"You mean you finally gave up?" Neena carefully wiped the tears
from her cheeks.
"No, I didn't really give up. It's more like I was exhausted and
I decided to go to the gas station and have something to eat and
gas up. Then I was going to continue. It's a good thing that they
had an all night restaurant. I drove to the gas station and had
the man fill up my tank. I remember that the attendant gave me a
strange look, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I parked the
car and went inside the restaurant. It was very quiet. There was
only a couple of old truck drivers sitting at the main counter. So
I took a seat in a small booth. I guess by that time I was almost
delirious. I must have looked like hell. My face was probably
drooping, my eyes bloodshot and my cheeks stained with tears. The
waitress came over with a coffee mug and took one look at me, and
with a very humorous and concerned look asked if I was the one
that had been driving his car back and forth all night."
They were still laughing. While reaching for my cigarette, I
showed them my best frown, but that just made them laugh even
harder.
"Oh yeah, you go ahead and laugh! Some day the shoe will be on
the other foot…then we'll see what's so funny."
"What do you think the odds are of that ever happening?" Danny
looked at Neena.
She threw her hands in the air. "A million to one, maybe."
"To make a long story short, I told the waitress that my car
wouldn't drive to the mountains, it would only drive back to
Calgary. I could hardly speak. My mouth was dry and my lips were
numb, and I was too tired to be embarrassed."
"She asked me where I was heading. And with a straight face, I
said "Off a cliff!"
"She just stared at me. Then suddenly, she broke out in laughter.
Finally she seemed to get hold of herself and leaned forward.
'You're a little thickheaded, aren't you? I'll get you some
breakfast because you're going to be with us for a long time.'"
"She poured some coffee into my cup and headed for the kitchen. I
expected to hear some laughter from the kitchen but heard nothing.
I assumed that she didn't tell anyone."
"She never asked me why I was trying to drive over a cliff, but
after a few more words, some free coffee and free breakfast, I got
into my car and headed home."
By this time both of them were laughing so hard that it was
starting to tick me off, and I excused myself and went to the
washroom. I wasn't really upset at them, just a little (or maybe
allot) embarrassed.
Today this gas station is closed; nothing is left but an abandoned
building. I still go there sometimes and wonder how many others
like me had stopped there.
Well here I am today, and happy for it. As far as the promise
that it would all make sense at the end, that came true. But as
far as knowing better is concerned, I'm still a little bit ticked
about that one.
And to the very kind and generous waitress: Thank you!
Wanted
One Guardian Angel.
Must possess an incredible,
Unimaginable and totally
Inconceivable patience.
Send Resume and Lottery Ticket
To Box 40081
Attention Klaus.
Chapter Seven
By the time I came back from the washroom, Neena and Danny had
pulled themselves together again, but they were still grinning. As
I sat down on my stool, Danny asked if I wanted some more orange
juice.
"We didn't mean to laugh at you like that," Neena said.
"You have to admit the part about being thick-headed was pretty
funny," added Danny.
"I guess you've got me there." I nodded my head in agreement.
"So is that it?" she asked.
"No, not even close! From here on it gets really wacky."
Danny sat on his stool. "Well, the night is still young. We're
ready whenever you are."
Danny's top lip began to quiver again for a moment. I leaned over
towards Neena. "Why does Danny's lip quiver every once in a
while?"
"Whenever he's holding something back. He doesn't make a good
poker player." she laughed.
For a moment I wondered what Danny might be holding back. Somehow
the whole thing didn't quite sit well with me. I always like to
keep my eyes and ears open for things that are slightly out of
place. This was definitely one.
I looked at my watch but it was still not working. I could see the
moisture inside the crystal. I was going to ask what time it was,
but decided to let it go. After all, there was no place I needed
to be.
"Let's see," I said, thinking about where I had left off, "I had
been flipping houses for about two years and had done fairly well
at the beginning, but my heart wasn't in it. I was still unhappy
and I had spent the last six months mostly trying to achieve
happiness or more happiness. Whatever way you want to look at it
is fine with me. I know that we've gone over this several times
already. But that's the way it was. I stopped flipping houses and
spent all my time trying to find a solution to my everlasting
problem. But I was running out of money, and finally gave up
temporarily and decided to get a job. It didn't take long to find
a good paying job. A few days later I also ran across a good deal
on another house, which I bought and moved into. I had decided
that I might as well just live the way everyone else does, which
means working at a job, paying the bills, and saving a little for
old age. My son was living with me and I thought I'd better set a
good example. The thought of going through life like this,
waiting for the end to come, was terribly depressing but that's
all I could see."
"About five month into the job, I walked in one morning and was
told I was laid off. They told me that it was because business was
slow and they needed to cut back. But that wasn't the real
reason. They saw that I was unhappy. I just couldn't hide it
anymore. I didn't have the energy to constantly put a smile on my
face. I'm sure that they came to the conclusion that I was not
happy working there."
"The whole thing came as a shock. I wasn't really upset, but at
the same time, neither did I know what to do next. I sat around
the house for a week, not doing much more than taking my dog for
his daily walks. I had a little bit of money but not much, and
the house payments were fairly high. It wasn't a big house but it
was in a good area. The economy was fairly slow and there weren't
many good paying jobs out there. Even if I managed to get a
mediocre job right away, I knew I still wouldn't be able to hang
onto the house. I remember sitting at the park and watching Rudy,
my dog, run around and play with the other dogs, and something
clicked. For some reason I decided that maybe I should give
finding happiness one more try. I thought that maybe in all the
books that I had read in the past that perhaps I missed something
or not followed the instructions correctly. As soon as Rudy and I
came home from our walk at the park, I jumped into the car and
headed for the library. On the way to the library part of me was
thinking that this was a total waste of time, yet another part of
me had sprung to life with the greatest enthusiasm. I also
realized that whenever I was throwing myself into the work of
discovering inner happiness I actually became happy. It's after a
while of not being able to go beyond that temporary happiness that
I would get really depressed. I had a very strong feeling that
this time I would succeed. I remember thinking that all I need to
do is find that something that I had missed. Then everything
would be fine."
"Gee whiz, how long does this go on for?" Danny interrupted me.
"This is it," I answered. "This is where it all began to change."
"Thank God, this was starting to depress me! Are we getting close
to the lottery part?"
"Just about there."
"Anyway, I picked up a whole bunch of books on everything I could
think of about meditation, spiritualism, visualization, mind
control, positive thinking, Love, and so on, even a couple books
on dowsing which didn't really fit. But I saw them and decided to
take them with me. I spent several weeks reading, making notes,
and following any instructions as best as I could. I read from the
time that I got up in the morning until I went to bed. The only
breaks I took were either to have something to eat or take Rudy to
the park and to practice whatever was suggested in the various
books."
"Did you achieve any results?" she asked.
"Not really," I answered. "Other than making the effort, which did
make me feel good, or at least better than usual. I didn't
actually expect any results. It was just a drive to try again that
was bubbling in me. Making the effort gave me a sense of hope, and
in many ways that was very comforting. Actually there's a
difference between hoping to get something and expecting it to
happen. But we'll talk more about that later."
"So this is where everything began to change. I was getting quite
restless and decided I needed a break. I decided to phone a friend
of mine to see if he was at home. I picked up some beer and
headed over to see him."
"At that time, my friend was not financially in any better shape
than I was. He wasn't working and didn't have much money. He
spent most of his time watching sports and playing the sports
lottery. He wasn't doing very well with the sports lottery. I was
looking at some of his losing tickets. Sarcastically, I suggested
that he might as well use a dart to pick which team is going to
win. He laughed, and told me that I was probably right. I've
always considered gambling like throwing money into the wind and
hoping that twice as much will blow back at you. There's not much
chance of that happening. I had played some bullshit poker in the
past, but mostly for fun. The most you could win or lose was five
or ten dollars."
"Looking over my friend's tickets, a thought occurred to me. I had
just read several books on dowsing and had watched a program about
it on TV. This particular fellow was dowsing for minerals and on
this particular program he was working for a miner to help him
find some pockets of certain minerals in an old abandoned mine. As
it turned out they were quite successful. The dowser was using a
simple piece of string, with some kind of weight at the other end.
It looked like he was using a left spin for yes and a right spin
for no. I thought that the bottom line is that the string is
probably nothing more than a way for the subconscious mind to
communicate with the conscious my mind."
"I looked at my friend and suggested that maybe a person could use
their subconscious mind to see into the future and figure out who
was going to win the game. He thought I was nuts and said that
there was no way to predict the future, and he gave me about 20
reasons why it would not work. It's pretty obvious to me that he
is a lot more thick-headed then I am."
"But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. By
the time I got home, I had it more or less worked out it in my
mind. I figured all I needed to do was to find a state of mind
where the conscious and subconscious come together and work
together as one rather than being separate. It sounds simple, even
though it took me some time to work it all out. It did turn out
to be very simple, except that I was going to get more than I
bargained for."
"What is so important about the subconscious?" Danny asked.
"The subconscious seems to have an enormous amount of information
available to it. I also believe that all subconscious minds are
connected like a giant network, but most importantly, I believe
that the subconscious is also connected to our soul...that larger
part of ourselves."
"It took me a while to work out the details and figure out a plan.
I went back to the library and picked up a few more books. I
played around with it for about a week or two, trying different
things out. Anyway I took all the information I could find and
mixed it all up, a little bit from here and a little bit from
there. The conclusion that I came to was that I needed to be in a
very deep meditating state, or a trance-like state of mind. There
seemed to be a veil between the conscious mind and the
subconscious mind that I was trying to pass through. The biggest
problem was what to focus on. At first I tried to focus on the
game results, but that just caused me to fall into a dream like
state, and the results that I saw in my mind were not correct.
Then I tried to focus on my subconscious and with that I had some
mixed results, but not what I wanted."
"I'm going to spare you the details of all the stuff I went
through to come to the conclusion that I came to. The bottom line
is, we are much more than just conscious mind and unconscious
mind. I came to the conclusion that I need to be in touch with the
total part of whatever I am. And rather than saying 'all that I
am' or 'higher self,' I decided to use the word soul to describe
my total self."
"I was positive that connecting to that larger part of myself was
the key, and it worked. Actually it worked so well that within six
weeks I had won over one hundred and thirty times."
"How much money are we talking about?" Danny interrupted.
I took a sip from my drink. Looking at Danny, it wasn't hard to
see the dollar signs in his eyes.
"The total amount of money was just under two thousand dollars,
because I was making small bets. I wasn't going to take what
little money I had and throw it into the wind. Also I figured that
it was best to keep a low profile, and as long as it works, I
might just as well take it slow. At that point the money seemed
secondary. I felt I had accomplished something that the entire
world would say is impossible. I literally felt like I was walking
on air."
"What about happiness?" Neena asked.
"I guess it went on the back burner for a while," I answered.
"It's a lot easier being unhappy if you're doing it in a warm
place under a palm tree watching the surf come in. I wasn't there
yet but it was a definite possibility. Looking back now, I was
happy. I was putting in of hours, but at the same time I enjoyed
it immensely. Even today I still spend countless hours
discovering things that I can do with my mind. I guess you could
say I found my calling. But even though I still enjoy it today,
and it makes me happy, it's not where my happiness comes from, nor
was it the reason for my unhappiness. But we'll get to that
shortly."
"Well, if you're going to be depressed, you might as well be
comfortable," Danny observed.
"Something was definitely happening. Happiness was starting to
bubble up from inside. And it did have something to do with the
way I was using my mind. But at that time, the only thing I really
noticed was that I seemed really at peace."
"That makes sense," said Neena. "You need inner peace to create
happiness!"
"I agree," I said. "I was busy and excited, and temporarily really
didn't care about anything else. But you also..."
"Never mind that!" Danny interrupted. "I need the exact
instructions."
I hadn't noticed it before, but Danny already had a pen in his
hand and a note pad opened in front of him. His eyes where as big
as dandelions, and his lip was quivering more than ever.
"It's probably better if I tell you the rest of the story first."
"I would rather hear the rest of it," Neena said.
"I'd rather have the instructions now, otherwise you'll probably
forget." Danny interjected.
"Well, I might forget," I laughed. "But I'm sure that you won't
forget to remind me."
Neena shrugged her shoulders. "It's your choice."
This just seemed too strange. I wasn't sure whether Danny was just
playing a game or if he was serious. You see there are actually
two types of players. One plays with the universe and one is just
in the game. The main difference is that the one that plays with
the universe is really close to the dealer and generally knows
what direction the game is supposed to go, and will work in that
direction. They also know who has what cards. The rest, like
myself, just play along with the game. I was sure that Neena and
Danny were playing the game with the universe but now it appeared
that perhaps only Neena was. So perhaps Danny was playing along
with the game like me. Sometimes the universe seems to make the
game up as it goes along, or at least that's how it appears to me.
This was not the first time that I have had to struggle with
making this decision about whether to put the instructions into
the book or even tell anyone about it. It appears that once again
I'm at the crossroads. It just didn't seem to make any sense to
me that the universe was leaving an important decision like this
up to me. Or was it?
I decided to give Danny his instructions but first I thought it
might be a good idea to give him a little lecture. To be honest
it was more to make sure that I covered my own butt.
"OK, I'll give you the instructions, but I want you to know that
this can be used for a lot of different things and if you decide
to use it for gambling, then you take the responsibility of
whatever happens onto your own shoulders. If you're going to
spend two dollars on a ticket anyway, that's fine you might as
well give yourself the best odds you can. But if you're going to
throw your grocery money into this, I can tell you right now that
you are going to lose, and I'll explain the reason for that to
you..."
"I agree, no problem," he said, like a child with a new toy.
I took a sip from my orange juice and thought to myself, I've
definitely heard those words spoken before.
Dreams
Dreams, oh sweet dreams
They say
If it is dreamable
Then it is also achievable.
I see that now, ever so clearly....
The question is,
Will I remember?
When I wake up?
Chapter Eight
"The first thing you need to understand is the need factor. It's
like this: if you walk into a poker game with your last twenty
dollars and you need to win, you might as well just throw your
money on the table and leave, because if you need something really
bad, it's going to be hard to get. The best way to describe it is
to say that you need to be detached from the results."
Danny put down his pad and gave me a puzzled look. "You seemed to
need the money pretty badly at that time. How is that different?"
"Actually, in many ways at that time I was at a point in my life
where I really didn't care. If I won, fine, and if I didn't, so
what? I also knew about the need factor. That's something I had
learned the hard way many years before. There's a really big
difference between wanting something or needing something. The
difference is very simple: when we really want something, we tend
to think about it and work out ways how to get it. But when we
get to the point where we feel we desperately need it, our minds
are not going to be clear. Instead we'll be thinking about what
will happen if we don't succeed. It's like trying to look in one
direction and walk or drive in another direction. It doesn't
work. The mind works the same way. The mind needs to be focused
on what we want to achieve and not what we are afraid might happen
if we don't succeed."
"So, it's like I have to do it just for fun or for something to
do, like a hobby." Danny said.
"That's a perfect way to start. That way you're not under any
pressure and you can focus just on what you want to achieve. If
you put a lot of money into it, then you are going to be attached
to the results, but if you only throw in two or three dollars it
really doesn't matter, especially if you were going to do that
anyway."
"Are you sure you understand what Klaus is saying, Danny?" Neena
asked quietly.
"I get it, no problem," he answered. "What's next?"
"Next you need a quiet place, a place where you won't get
disturbed. You need to either lie down or sit in a comfortable
chair. I prefer lying down because that way I don't have to worry
about my head drooping over. The only problem with lying down is
that it may take a little more work to stay awake. Then you need
to let yourself relax totally and let your body go to sleep, but
not your mind. Just lie there and allow your body to fall asleep
to the point where you can't feel your body anymore nor hear
anything. Turning off your hearing is not totally necessary, but
it definitely helps and can make quite a difference in the end."
"Should I visualize something so that my brain stays awake?"
"No! Because if you start visualizing, you'll fall into a dream-
like state and from there you'll fall asleep. And if you
visualize at that point, then chances are the things you see will
be imaginary."
"So what do I do with my mind to stay awake?"
"That's the tricky part. You need to focus on your soul. I define
your soul as that larger part of yourself or the total of what you
are, whatever that may be for you. The problem is that you cannot
visualize it. The best way I have found so far to do this is to
pretend that I am listening to my soul. I pretend that I am
trying to hear something that is far away and very faint. Just
take a moment and pretend that you are trying to hear what is
going on outside this bar."
Danny closed his eyes and was totally still. I noticed that he
was holding his breath.
"No, don't hold your breath. Do everything that you're doing with
your mind, but keep breathing."
Danny opened his eyes. "I think I get it. My mind was totally
focused, but it wasn't doing anything at all. Actually it was
totally blank."
"That's right, but the hardest part is to maintain that focus
without thinking any other thoughts. It's not hard to do it for a
few seconds, but after that the mind tries to bring up images and
thoughts. No matter what happens, you can't engage those thoughts.
If you find yourself doing that or involving yourself with the
images in your mind you have to bring your mind back to focusing
on your soul. If you don't catch yourself drifting, then you will
enter a dream state and from there most likely fall asleep.
Another very important thing is to focus, but do it in a relaxed
state. You can't strain otherwise you won't be relaxed and you'll
end up with a headache. So you need to be relaxed mentally,
physically, and emotionally, but focused at the same time. It
sounds difficult but in fact it's quite natural."
"Why can't you just visualize the results in your mind?" Neena
asked.
"I was just going to ask that too!" Danny said.
"I don't know exactly why. All I know is that if you start
visualizing at that early stage, then somehow what you see will be
from the Dream State, and will not be correct. I don't have all
the answers but I believe that you need to pass the Dream State by
in order to reach that higher part of your mind. It's almost like
a gateway on a path; you can turn left or right, with left being
the Dream State and right being the higher mind. At first it will
be difficult to keep yourself from turning left. We do that
naturally, but only because we have done it so many times and for
most people the path to the higher mind or soul has not been used
very much. It's like following a groove; it has a tendency to pull
you towards the left."
"That makes sense. I think I understand. But what makes you think
that my soul will help me?" Danny asked dubiously.
"That's a good question, but I never looked at it like that. I
believe I am reaching and becoming the larger part of myself, and
with attaining that state, having all the resources available to
me. Why would you use an old hand-held calculator when you have a
very large and fast computer in your closet? If you have to make
important life decisions why use that small conscious mind when
you have this incredible resource available?"
"Think about it this way. Whenever you are trying to make
decisions you are in a sense trying to predict the future, even if
you're making a simple decision like what time to cook supper.
When will everyone be there? What time? How long will it take? And
so on. The conscious mind is only capable of making very small and
slow calculations but the larger part of you, your subconscious,
has more information available to it, and carries all the memories
of everything that you have seen, heard, smelled, felt, or
experienced in its memory. So it can use that information to
calculate things out much more quickly and more accurately than
the conscious mind. To give you an example, the subconscious mind
has a photographic memory. Everything that is seen by your eyes…
even if you do not consciously see it… is recorded in the
subconscious, and the most remarkable part is that all
subconscious minds are somehow connected. It's like a computer
that is connected to thousands of other computers and can download
any information that it needs from anywhere. Scientists are still
debating this today but that is knowledge that has been around for
thousands of years. Then comes the higher mind or the part that I
call my soul, and this part of me lives beyond time and physical
restrictions."
I stopped for a moment to give Danny a chance to ask his question
because he was squirming around like a child who needed to go to
the bathroom. "Why would you focus on your soul when you say that
the subconscious has so much information available to it?"
"I don't have all the answers, but over the years I have read many
books and I like to read in between the lines. Nobody has came
right out and said that they have tried this, but I believe that
many have, and many have tried to use visualization and have
failed. I also believe that many have tried to use the
subconscious and failed. To be honest I can only guess at the
reasons why those two ways don't work, but if I spent all my time
trying to figure out the reasons I would never get anywhere. I
believe that we are more than just conscious mind and subconscious
mind. I believe that very few, if any, have tried using their
soul."
"Why do you think that?" Neena asked.
"I have more theories than answers. But a lot might have to do
with superstition and fear. I think that it mostly has to do with
fear because my friend was afraid to try it, even though he is not
religious in any way, because he thought I might be breaking some
cosmic law. It appears that this has been a very well kept secret
and has only been passed down to a few masters.
"Why do you think that they kept it a secret?" she asked.
"Actually that's a good question. I'm a little bit concerned
myself," he said.
"Probably because of fear," I answered.
"What would these masters be afraid of?" she asked.
Danny nodded his head as if to say he was asking the same
question.
"Probably darkness. Having knowledge does not always take away
fear and having knowledge does not necessarily make you strong
enough to face whatever life may throw at you."
"You don't seem to have that much knowledge, so why are you not
afraid to play with something that has been hidden for centuries?"
asked Danny.
I laughed at his question. "What's the universe going to threaten
me with? I've already tried to end my life several times. The
only thing that remains is immortality, which would just give me
more time to get into more trouble. I now have something that is a
thousand times more powerful than anything that is dark and
negative. Why would a larger part of you be upset for connecting
with it? That was not what they were trying to hide. It was what
you are capable of doing and achieving when you connect to that
larger part of yourself. I have something much more fascinating
than this lottery stuff."
"What's that?" Danny put down his pen. His lip was definitely
quivering now.
I smiled to myself. "I told you to listen to the rest of the story
first, but you insisted. So you'll have to wait until I finish
giving you the instructions. But first I need my orange juice
refreshed and I'm going to the washroom. Then I'll give you the
rest of the instructions you so desperately wanted."
I was still smiling to myself on the way to the washroom. I was
thinking of something that my friend John used to tell me.
"Always keep an ace in your sleeve. You may never use it, but even
if you have nothing, you'll feel like you have something..."
Fear
The fears of trying
Will, in the end,
Shed the tears
Of Love
"I sure hope I am right about this one..."
Chapter Nine
The bathroom was very extremely tiny. It had one sink and one
stall with a small door on it. I entered the stall and closed the
door behind me. I was thinking that maybe I should not have
mentioned the lottery information. Maybe I should have kept it a
secret. But on the other hand there are so many beneficial things
that can be done with it. I heard the bathroom door open and I
thought I heard some footsteps. As the door closed I heard what
sounded like an older man's voice.
He said, "Do not be afraid to tell what you know. Just leave the
rest to me."
"Oh yeah, and who are you?" I answered sarcastically; thinking
perhaps Danny was playing a joke on me. I opened the stall door
expecting to see Danny standing there, but no one was there. I
quickly exited the bathroom and scanned the bar, but there was no
one but Danny, Neena, and the old man sitting at the table. I
thought that there is no way that old man could have gotten back
to his table that quickly, and he looked like he hadn't even
moved. Danny and Neena were staring at me wondering why I was
standing there. I walked back to my stool and sat down.
"Did anybody come into the bathroom while I was in there?" They
both looked at me and at each other, and shook their heads.
"I don't suppose that stuff in the green bottle makes you
hallucinate, by any chance?" I asked.
"Not me," Danny shook his head. "How about you, Neena?"
"I'm fine." She shrugged her shoulders.
"It's probably the Scotch. That stuff is usually good for a couple
of pink elephants. What did you see?" Danny asked.
"I thought I heard something, but it doesn't matter. Let's get
back to the instructions."
"Good idea." Danny picked up his pen.
"Now as you are doing this exercise, you may come to a point where
you begin to hear things, like words or music, or even just
sounds. Also you may come to a point where pictures will form in
your mind, but you don't need to be concerned about this. The
best thing to do is just let it happen without involving yourself.
These things are just echoes in your mind. By the way, this is
also a very good sign because you are very close to where you want
to be."
I sipped my orange juice to give Danny a chance to catch up with
his notes.
"So what are these visions and sounds that you will hear?" she
asked.
"My theory is that the mind, especially the subconscious mind,
never stops. I believe that at this point you are contacting the
subconscious mind, but the important part is to keep going,
allowing yourself to drift even deeper, and just keep focusing on
your soul, no matter what you see or hear."
Danny looked up from his notes. "How do I know when I have reached
my soul?"
"That's a good question. Actually it's achieved in degrees. It's
something that becomes more each time you do it. But you'll know
when you're there. Some of the signs are that you will feel very
peaceful, and you may have a sense of being larger. Your mind will
also be very clear. It's hard to explain, but once you're there,
there is nothing like it. You might also feel that you are more
connected to the universe and at the same time separated from
everyday concerns. That's the only way I can describe it. I
believe that it is a little different for everyone."
I stopped for a moment to give Danny another chance to catch up
with his notes. Apparently he was writing down every single word.
"How is Danny going to know what the results of the games are?"
"That's the fun part. At this point you have some choices to make
because you can do a lot of different and fascinating things that
I will tell you about later, but if you choose to go the route of
trying to figure out the game results then so be it. Now,
everything that I have told you so far you need to follow exactly.
This path is very narrow and you need to stay focused."
"I'm ready!" he smiled.
"OK. At this point you can begin to visualize. What I like to do
is pretend that I'm moving forward in time and place myself at the
corner grocery store. Then I imagine that I'm walking in the store
towards the lottery counter and I look directly at the game result
sheets. Originally, I pretended that I was on a train and each
town we passed represented one day in the future. When I got to
the day I wanted to be at, the train would stop, I would get off
and walk to a newspaper stand and look at the results in the daily
newspaper. But I found that sometimes I was using too much of my
imagination. Later I realized that was because I was trying to
make the train too real, rather than just having the sensation of
being in a train."
"How do I know whether I'm just imagining what I see?" he asked.
"Some of it will be your imagination; there's no way to get around
that. The best way I've found is to imagine the store or the
train, whichever you choose, and imagine them very lightly, so
that it does not become your reality but just a form to measure
time with. But when you look at the results, you need to
visualize very clearly, but use your imagination as little as
possible. You should not do it for too long a time period. I have
also had very good success by simply asking my soul to put the
answers into my mind. In such a way that I would see it as if I
was looking at a screen with the answers projected onto the
screen. It's just a matter of trying different things and
discovering what works best for you. If the answers are incorrect
then it is not that your soul is giving you the wrong answers,
it's that you not receiving the information correctly."
"How long did it take you to achieve this?" she asked.
"About ten days."
"That's not bad," he said.
"You need to remember that at that time I was not working and I
was mostly spending my entire day working on this. There are also
some minor things that you need to know. Not every answer that
you receive will be correct, for various reasons. The future is
not carved in stone and it can change at any time. So I tried to
get the information from six to ten different games. Then later I
would look at those answers and compare them to what I would have
done. Then I would select two or three games and play them.
Sometimes if I felt I was having a good day and the information
was very clear, I would play more games, but only when if it felt
right. I also made very small bets and I made combinations. Let's
say I had ten games. I might play three or four sets with three or
four games in each set. That way if there was a mistake, the
winnings would still out number the losses."
"It seems so simple, yet I can see that there is a little bit of
work involved. So is that all there is to it?" he asked.
"That's it!" I answered. "Well maybe just one more thing. Be
aware of what appears to be beginners luck!"
"What does that mean?"
"You'll see."
"Hey, that's not..."
"I see it!" said Neena, sitting up straight on her stool. "Oh,
God, that's … Wow, I almost missed it! Don't you see it, Danny?"
"Hold on! If someone can't see it, they're not ready. It's never
to be spoken."
She put her hand across her mouth and smiled. "Mum's the word."
"That's not funny." Danny jumped off his stool and picked up his
notes.
I was smiling so much I could almost feel my lips touching my
ears.
He looked up from his notes at me. "Who do you think you are? The
dealer?"
Trying to control the grin on my face, I thought to myself, 'I'm
not the dealer, but I know when I'm holding more than one card.'
When you play with the universe in the right way, which is with
respect, Love, and kindness, the universe keeps giving you more
cards. I have heard it said that when you receive a full deck
then the universe might let you deal a few cards. That's more
responsibility than I'm interested in and I imagine to get so many
cards a person would have to be very dedicated to making a
difference in this world. I suppose someone like Mother Teresa
would perhaps have had a few decks. It's hard to say; all I know
for sure is that three or four cards can get you a long way.
Inner Child
Ever notice
That in every
Adult body
There is a child
Kicking to get
Out?
Maybe we should let them out
Before they wreck the place.
Chapter Ten
Danny was totally beside himself about the little secret Neena and
I were keeping. I told him that there would be quite a few clues
in the rest of the story. That seemed to settle him for the
moment. It's not really a secret, it's one of those things that if
you try to put into words, it will be molded in a person's mind,
and the minute it is formed into a mold it's no longer what it
was. Some things in the universe cannot be put into words. Doing
so destroys it for that moment and in a sense you would end up
giving someone something that was totally useless. The biggest
problem is that if you try to tell someone, then they will mold it
and later when they come to see this information in its true form,
then again they will automatically put it in a mold, and so the
information is lost.
I looked at Danny. "Before I continue with the rest of the story,
I should probably tell you something that I just realized I had
forgotten to mention."
"That's a surprise," Danny smiled sarcastically.
"This is actually very important, especially if you're having
trouble keeping your mind focused on your soul. I've read a lot of
books on Eastern meditation over the years and many of them
mention various areas of the mind that you can meditate on, but
none of them ever mention the brain stem. It's sort of like this.
I don't like to go into a dark basement even if there is a light
on because there are so many dark areas where the basement
monsters can hide. I have found that the best way to deal with
dark basement is to put a light in the darkest area. The brain
works in much the same way."
For some reason Neena thought this was very amusing.
"When you are trying to focus on your soul, in a sense you are
using what some Yogis call the higher mind. But part of your mind
will try to bring up other thoughts. That's something I constantly
struggled with. The question was, which part of the mind was doing
this? So I took a look at all the parts of the mind that the
meditation books mention. I always like to look for strange
things, things that don't really fit, but appear quite normal, or
too normal."
"What do you mean?" she asked curiously.
"Take a look at eastern writings from yogis or masters. If you ask
them a question they will give you a very short answer, yet if you
give them a pen and some paper they will write until the cows come
home. Rather inconsistent, don't you think?"
"Do you think that means something?" Danny asked.
I nodded my head. "If it's there, it means something. How about
the fact that even though they are from different races and
different countries, they all have the same writing patterns? I
use to ponder over the fact that they wrote hundreds and hundreds
of pages and say next to nothing. Not only that they also write
everything over and over and everything is the same, only the
angle and approach is different. Let's face it, they must be
writing in some form of code, and if they all know what this code
is, then it can't be that hard to decipher. When someone can write
ten books and say nothing that's fascinating because then they
must be writing between the lines. So I look in places they tell
you not to bother looking, and I dig in places that they never
mention..."
"After all, if you have a treasure and you want to tell someone
about it, but not let them know where it is, or exactly how to get
it unless they're willing to follow you, then you will have to
spin quite the web."
"So the problem I found is that you can't reach your soul or that
larger part of yourself unless you turn off your mind from
gibbering like a chicken that has just laid an egg, and the key to
that is the one thing they seem to omit. Turn it off, and you're
in."
For a minute I was proud of myself, then I realized that I was
like a rooster on a fence post, clucking and bragging to the
chicken next to him. Boy I hate it when that happens.
"You must be really proud of yourself, figuring all that out," she
said, gently pushing the thorn deeper.
"I've tried meditation before and have had problems with thoughts
creeping in. How do I turn them off?" he asked.
"That's a piece of cake. First you get yourself all relaxed and
calm, then just for a minute visualize that there is a beam of
light coming from your soul and going right down from the top of
your head, filling the whole area with very bright light. Don't
keep on visualizing this, just keep it in the back of your mind.
It's like if a carpenter was on your roof repairing it, you don't
need to stand there and watch him all day, you just know that he
is there. So in not so many words, you just leave the light there
without constantly focusing on it. That will keep the whole area
very busy. I don't know exactly what this area of the brain is
supposed to do, but I know this works and that's all that really
matters at this point."
"Danny, tell Klaus about the basement monsters." Neena changed the
subject.
He shook his head. He had a look of fear on his face.
Neena leaned towards me. "We have a basement here, but Danny won't
go there because he thinks there are a monsters down there. Would
you like to take a look?"
"I don't think so...If Danny says there are monsters in the
basement, then that's good enough for me."
She laughed. "You men are all alike! You make a lot of noise, but
when the wolf comes, you're no where to be found."
I decided to let that comment go, and thought about where I had
left off before I got sidetracked.
Secrets of the Universe
The key
Thought, Trust
The lock
Action, Love
The door
Result, Joy
The game
Continuance.
Chapter Eleven
"During those six weeks, weird things had started to happen. I
couldn't explain them so I just assumed that my awareness had
increased and I was becoming more sensitive to what was going on
around me. I didn't really want to face some of the things that
were going on, so I thought that the best thing to do was just to
ignore them. Things started slowly. First I felt like I was being
watched. You know the feeling; it's like someone is staring at
you. Mostly I felt it at night, so I started leaving the lights
on. The next thing that started happening was also in the
evenings. I would be sitting in the living room with my dog Rudy,
and sometimes he would suddenly sit up, point his ears forward,
and stare at the center of the room as if he was looking at
something. He did this many times over the weeks. I could never
see or hear anything, but sometimes I definitely felt like
something was staring at me. The most interesting part was that
if Rudy decided to leave the living room, he would go around the
area that he was staring at, even though going straight across is
what he would have done normally."
"The next thing that started happening was things moving around.
For instance, I would put something down somewhere, perhaps a cup
or a book, and later it would be somewhere else. I tried to tell
myself that I must not have been paying attention to what I was
doing, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that was not
the problem. I live very simply and with very few things, but the
things I do have are always in their place. One afternoon I laid
down to go into my meditation to select my bets, but I had
forgotten to turn up the heat. When I go into a very deep
meditation my body temperature tends to drop quite a bit. I had
already begun relaxing when I could felt myself becoming cold. I
didn't want to get up and have to start all over again. Then I
heard the furnace go on and thought maybe I had turned up the
thermostat, and continued with my meditation. By the time I was
finished, the house was extremely hot. After getting up I went to
the thermostat to turn it down, but looking at it, I realized I
had never turned it up. It was set at just under 70 degrees but
the room temperature had reached 80 degrees and while I was
looking at the thermostat, I heard the furnace turn off.
"Over those six weeks, I also had several strange dreams. In two
of them I recalled talking to an angel but I could never totally
remember the dream or what was said. I also had several dreams
where I was sword fighting but I couldn't remember any details.
Normally if these types of things were happening it would have
fascinated me, but I wanted to stay focused on getting the correct
sports results."
"Now this is where things began to take on a new twist," I said.
"Towards the last week I was having trouble seeing the results. I
could see the page but I was having trouble seeing the actual
scores. It was almost like someone was putting their thumb over
the answers. As I moved my perception from one area on the score
sheet to another there was a dark area that followed. I was still
having success but it was taking an enormous amount of time and
concentration. I thought that perhaps it was just my own doubts
interfering, which is not an uncommon thing. Each day it became
more and more difficult and each day I put more and more effort
into it. There was no way that I was going to let a little problem
like that ruin my achievement. I thought that perhaps over the
weeks I had gotten lazy and was not going deep enough into my
meditation. So every time I started meditating, I made a great
effort to go deeper. During this time I purchased some earmuffs…
the kind that construction workers use when they work with noisy
machinery. The earmuffs made a big difference in my ability to
concentrate. I had also purchased a sleep mask to put over my
eyes. With the sleep mask and the earmuffs I was able to go much
deeper without being disturbed. I still use them today, because
if someone slams a door or drops something I'm not shocked out of
whatever mind state I may be in."
"November 6," I stopped to take a drag from my cigarette. "That
was the day when the shit hit the fan."
"I'm not blind. I saw it coming, but I just didn't expect this."
I could see on Danny's face that this was making him nervous.
"You know what, I just remembered something I forgot to tell you!
It's a big piece of the puzzle. I think it's one of the main
keys."
"Are you nuts?" Danny asked. "You're going to leave us hanging in
suspense?"
She laughed. "Just give him another shot of the good stuff. That
will keep his lips moving."
"Just give me another minute, this is truly important." I said,
knowing full well that Danny was irritated, probably because he
thought this had something to do with the lottery, and he probably
thought this meant he would not be able to give it a try.
He stepped off his stool and grabbed a glass, threw some ice in
it, grabbed the bottle, and poured a full glass.
She laughed.
He put the glass in front of me and put the open bottle next to
it.
"There! Now let's see those lips move!" He sat down again on his
stool.
I thought to myself, 'I don't know what game the universe is
playing now, but I'll figure it out before the night is over.' I
looked over my shoulder to see if the old man was still sitting at
the table. He was. He had not even moved an inch, nor had anyone
tried to serve him. That's very strange. I debated saying
something, but decided maybe it would be best if I just left it
alone and see what happened.
I turned towards Neena. "About three weeks after first having
success in winning the sports lottery, I figured that it might be
a good idea if I tried to travel into the future to see what my
future self is doing. I thought that if I can travel into the
future to see the sports results then I should also be able to
travel in the future to see how my life is turning out. It took
three or four tries, I can't exactly remember, but nevertheless I
did succeed."
"I found that while I'm trying to see into the future, the picture
in my mind can take a bit of time to form completely. At first
what I saw appeared to be myself sitting on a lawn chair in front
of a fire pit. Next some grass and trees and various other things
formed. At first I thought he was sitting perhaps in the woods.
But then a cabin or a summerhouse appeared 20 to 30 feet behind
him. I was looking directly at my future self when I noticed he
was staring at me, and at the same time I saw that there was an
angel sitting in another lawn chair beside him. I tried to clear
my vision by removing anything that was possibly caused by
imagination. At the same time I was trying to clear my perception,
my future self pointed at me, looked towards the angel, then back
towards me and said, "I can't believe it he finally made it!" They
both started to laugh loudly.
"For some reason I couldn't hold myself there and was instantly
pulled back to my normal awake state. I sat up in my bed and
thought about it for a while, and decided that maybe I had
imagined the whole thing or at least part of it. I decided to try
again some other time, but I never got the chance."
I call it the Joker card even though it is no joke. It's the
reason I never wanted to play the game. I figured out the game
when I was still fairly young and about the same time I realized I
was holding one of these cards. This can be a real problem,
especially if you don't understand it. I have seen a lot of
people carry this card and have seen the problems it can cause.
One of the biggest issues with this card is that you do not have a
choice. If the universe gives you one, then that's it. There's no
throwing it down. You can't run and you can't hide, and there's no
way to fight it. I believe that there is a choice but it's made
by our higher self, and once that decision is made, it's done.
This card can mean different things for different people but
generally, this card plays you. You do not play it. You're
probably asking what does this card do? If you have one of these
cards, one way or another you are going to be directed to do
something in this life that will make a difference. Unfortunately
I can't narrow that down for you.
Many years ago I went to a very gifted person for help. I asked
her, "What is the matter with my life? I try to go a certain
direction and it seems like the universe tries to slam me into a
different direction. How do I fight this?" She said "You are
holding a card, and you know it, but you have chosen to fight it,
and you will lose! There is nothing I can do for you." I was
furious, and responded, "I will fight to the end. I will stand
and I will win." As I walked out I heard her say; "You will
lose."
You're probably asking why anyone would want to fight this card.
To be quite honest, there are very few people who have this card
and do not fight it.
Why? Because this card will lead you down what appears to be
totally illogical paths, and you will be pushed in directions that
will make absolutely no sense. This card is not a map; all you
see is one step. It will push your faith to the absolute limit,
and beyond. Why? It would take too long for me to explain, nor am
I sure my theory is correct. I can give you a clue: After you have
finished reading this book, look at how everything has unfolded
and you will see very easily that this book is my card, and the
game is not over.
How do you know if you have one of these cards? Here are several
clues.
First: You may feel that in some way you should be doing something
more useful with your life or that there is something more
important for you than just living day to day, but you have no
idea what that something is.
Second: You may have a sense of urgency to do something, but may
have no clue about what to do.
Third: Somehow you are being pushed in certain directions and if
you try to go in a different direction, it seems like all hell
breaks loose.
Fourth: You might feel that you are constantly searching for or
craving something, but are not sure what it is.
Now just take a moment and become very quiet. Think. Are you
holding one of these cards?
Spare yourself the agony of trying to fight it.
Been there, done that, didn't like it.
PS: This card can also be time delayed. In other words, it's
there, but hasn't fully kicked in yet, but the effects are still
felt by the person holding the card.
The Dealer
The players
The writers
The readers
Are all in the game.
Chapter Twelve
"Before I tell you the rest," I said, "You need to understand that
on November 6, my whole life got turned upside down. Although I
remember virtually everything, some things may not be exactly in
the order that they happened."
"Is he stalling, or am I mistaken? "Danny asked Neena.
"Oh, he's stalling, big time," she said.
"No, not really," I answered. "I'm just trying to cover all the
bases. I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."
They sat there quietly, staring at me. It almost looked like they
were trying to make me feel guilty. Like that's going to work? A
strange shiver went up my spine and out of the top of my head. I
got the strange impression that maybe I was pushing my luck.
"Usually I go to the store fairly early in the morning to get the
results and the list of who is going to play that day. But I had
slept in after a very restless night. Also for some reason I
really didn't feel like doing it that day. Something just didn't
sit right with me. After lunch I took Rudy out for his walk and
on the way back from the park we stopped at the store and picked
up the sports information. I still had lots of time because the
bets usually do not need to be in before 5 or 6 p.m. Going into a
deep meditation right after taking a long walk seems to work
really well. So as soon as we got home, I went into the bedroom to
lie down. I keep the list of games in one hand so that I could
study it just before I close my eyes. I keep a pen and note pad at
my right side so that I can write down the results without having
to get up. I had my sleep mask and ear muffs on, so there was
little chance of me being disturbed. So there I was, lying on my
bed slowly relaxing, and going deeper. Because of the difficulty
that I had been having over the previous two weeks, this whole
process took at least two hours. I was just getting to the point
where my body was starting to become numb when I heard what
sounded like someone clearing his throat. Thinking it was Rudy. I
continued, and a few minutes later there was a thud under my bed.
Loud noises like this will usually bring me back to my normal
awake state, which means I need to start all over again. This time
I thought that maybe it was just a wooden support holding up the
mattress. Sometimes if I have trouble relaxing or getting started
I will count backwards from a hundred to one and this usually
allows me to relax at times when my mind does not want to. I
started slowly counting backwards and after a few numbers I could
swear that someone was counting with me. I could almost hear what
seemed like a faint voice saying the numbers at exactly the same
time I was. I stopped and listened, but I didn't hear anything.
So I started counting again and within one or two numbers I could
hear a very faint voice counting with me. I thought perhaps I was
imagining things and I decided to skip the counting part and just
lay here until my body went to sleep. I was just at the edge of
where my body drifts off and at the point where all physical
sensation and hearing disappear when something hit the bed hard
enough to shake it. I thought a friend of mine had come over and
had just shook the bed to wake me up. So I lifted my sleep mask
and opened my eyes. But what I saw was not a friend of mine. In
fact, I couldn't believe what I saw. My heart was pounding so hard
that I thought it was going to rip a hole in my chest."
"I was face to face with an angel, a big angel, at least seven
feet tall. He was brushing himself off, and said something like,
"Hey! Don't you ever dust under there? We're talking major dust
problems here, buddy." I still had my ear muffs on and couldn't
hear a voice but I heard what he said in my head loud and clear."
I stopped for a moment to take another cigarette out of my
package. Neena and Danny seemed like they were frozen in time.
From the look on Danny's face I could see that he thought that the
angel was going to rip a strip off of me. I lit my cigarette.
"That's not the type of language that I would expect to hear from
an angel." I said. My body was frozen but my heart and my mind
where going a billion miles an hour. I don't know how long we
both stared at each other. He was smiling, but I don't think I
was. Thoughts were racing around in my head. I thought this
couldn't be real. Maybe he's here to give me shit, maybe because
I'm not supposed to be using this yogi stuff to win the lottery.
Maybe the universe has lost its patience with me. Maybe the
universe has sent this angel to straighten me out. My whole body
started to shake. I've been scared, but never that scared. I
thought maybe I should jump out of the window, but I realized that
wouldn't work. He was too close to the door for me to be able to
walk past him. I could hear a part of me yelling. You have to
get out of here, get out of here! Play along, I said to myself,
that's it, just play along. I can talk my way out of this. Just
say hi and play it cool."
"Somehow I managed to get one word out of my mouth. 'Hi.'"
"He leaned forward towards me. 'Well, what do you know? He
speaks! Gee, relax. I think your eyeballs are going to pop right
out of your head.'"
Just as I was starting to get comfortable with the situation, he
yelled, "Boo!"
"Something in me just snapped."
Their faces were frozen.
"The angel smiled. 'There, now that you're breathing again, why
don't we sit and have a nice chat?"
"That was it. I freaked out, jumped up, and launched for him. If
I can't talk my way out, then I'll fight. I went right through
him, into the wall, head first."
I stopped to take a sip of my Scotch and a few drags from my
cigarette. Even now, just talking about it makes my heart pound.
Danny shook his head. "Are you nuts? You tried to jump an angel?"
Neena broke out in laughter, and Danny and I had no choice but to
follow her lead.
One Tree Down
I remember a time when I was smaller, younger, faster, and my
sword was swift.
One of my favorite games was sword fighting with the trees.
You might think that trees would not be very tough opponents, but
they are. It's just a matter of picking on the right ones.
In every forest there are at least a half dozen or so that are
into it. This is where it gets tricky. Some trees like to carry
extremely flexible swords and you have to be careful how much
force you use or they will snap back at you with twice the speed.
On the other hand, it is much less painful to be stabbed with a
flexible sword than with the hard rigid ones. Those hard rigid
ones will crack your sword in half right in the heat of the
battle. Then you are stuck. The only thing you can do is run and
hope some other tree will give you its sword. That is, if you're
not already staggering around with one stuck in your back.
To this very day I can still remember my battle cries as I walk in
the forest.
And I hear the call, "Come on, old man, we dare you!"
As my heart awakens and the adrenaline pumps, I move swiftly.
But there is only silence as I hug them, and surrender my Love.
Yes, many times I have been stabbed doing this; these scars I
carry with pride and honor.
Challenge me, and I swear by my life:
I Will Squeeze the Very Love Out Of Your Pores.
In Love, to my friends, the Trees.
Chapter Thirteen
My Lucky Number
"I have never heard of anybody trying to pick a fight with an
angel. If you thought you were in trouble, why would you make it
worse?" Danny shook his head, still wiping the tears from his
eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't really know what got into me,
other than being scared to death. I remember when he leaned
forward and yelled 'Boo,' which I heard loud and clear even though
I had my earmuffs on. I just snapped."
"So what happened next?" she asked.
"I hit the wall with my head, and that's all I remember. It must
have knocked me out cold. When I came to, I was sitting hunched
over on my chair in the living room. He was sitting on the sofa.
As my focus came back I realized I could see right through him.
When I reached for my forehead, I was surprised that there was no
bump, not even a sore spot, and not even a headache. I felt like
I just had a long nap. But there was a numbing calmness; my mind
was quiet and my body was relaxed. There's no doubt in my mind
that my head hit the wall because when your head hits something
that hard there's a certain indescribable sound that you hear just
before the lights go out. I remember looking at my watch. It was
almost 6:30 PM. I was sure that it was only about 2:30 when I
first laid down to work on my bets."
"I looked over at the angel and asked. 'Who are you?'"
"'It's pretty obvious, isn't it?'"
"I just stared at him. My mind was too numb to deal with it. The
thought that I might be dreaming had occurred to me."
"'Let me give you a clue.' he grinned, and for some strange reason
that grin looked familiar."
"'Wings. See?' he spread out his wings so I could get a better
look. 'And look, feathers! And look, I glow and I can make the
lights go on and off.'"
"I hadn't even noticed that the lights were on. I just sat there
staring at him."
"'Wait! Don't guess yet. See there's a halo, and there's more. I
can float; I can make myself really small and really big… Okay,
I'll give you three guesses.'"
"My mind and my body was moving in slow motion. He just sat there
while I tried to assemble my thoughts. He looked so familiar.
Finally, I asked him why I felt like I knew him. As I asked that
question. I realized that I was speaking in slow motion."
"'Whoa, you hit the nail right on the head! Or let's just say, in
your case, you hit the wall on the head,' he laughed."
"The light came on in my head. For a second something came to my
mind, even though it really didn't make sense."
"I pointed towards him. 'Sneaky.'"
"'Whoever said that banging your head against a wall serves no
purpose obviously never met you. We're talking genius level here,
my friend.'"
"There was no time for me to respond because instantly a gate in
my mind opened. My head was spinning, and memories were flooding
in like someone was downloading an entire lifetime. I barely made
it to the washroom before throwing up. I don't know how long I
was in there, but when I came out the angel was gone...which was
probably a good thing because my head was on fire. Within a few
minutes I was in my bed and out cold."
"Why would you have so many memories flooding into your mind to
the point that it made you throw up?" Danny asked.
"That's a question that is still out for debate. Maybe by the end
of the story you'll able to tell me."
"So who or what is Sneaky?" Neena asked.
"Sneaky is the angel's name. Let's just call him that for now,
you'll se